There’s a special place in my heart for The Bachelor: The Women Tell All, and not just because it’s half an hour shorter than every other episode in the season. I love to see all the castoffs sitting smushed together like a million-tan-legged monster, and I really love the crowd’s facial reactions, which never fail to suggest serious emotional overinvestment in this show (and that’s coming from me).
But, just like Chris Harrison, I had never been a part of a Women Tell All like this before. Usually the ladies stamp and snort like the rodeo bulls in Dallas Buyers Club, waiting to get at each other, but this time they were all trained on the same clown: Juan Pablo himself. I didn’t even need the shadowy eyerolls of the audience—all the best burns of the night came directly from the main players. Let’s relive the cattiness.
PS—a select few of these are *not* about Juan Pablo. In that case, I’ll specify.
Most hilarious burn: Alli “He asked me where I saw myself in five years, and then the next conversation we had, he asked me where I saw myself in three years. And I was like, ‘Well, pretty close to that five-year mark.'”
Best “I don’t care, I’ll put my hand on the stove” burn: Kelly “I think he used his daughter as an excuse a lot.” Everyone in the room wanted to say this, but for the sake of political correctness talked around it. Kelly didn’t have time for that! She brings her dog everywhere and dyes her hair red, OK? She answers to no one.
Best marriage-threatening burn: Catherine Giudici Just to kick things off on the tackiest note possible, Harrison asked Sean Lowe and Giudici at the top of the show how their wedding night went. Lowe: “Fireworks.” Giudici: “Short fireworks.” On national TV she said this! Tune in next week, when the unhappy couple will get divorced in a live television event (Neil Lane will be onhand to take that free ring back!). Then, mark your calendars for 2015, when each will star on their own Bachelor and Bachelorette, bringing this s—tshow full circle.
Cutest burn: Renee, obviously Renee shyly said that she’s now “in a situation where I’m very happy.” Shut it down, this was all the closure I needed. I don’t care what happens to what’s-his-name and the two blondes he has left. BTW, the tabloids are reporting that she’s engaged to her former ex-boyfriend.
Best inside joke burn: Andi “I think he thinks he was a very good Bachelor,” Andi said, then paused to share a conspiratorial giggle with the audience. Harrison was all Wha? I don’t get it, was he not one? And the rest of America was like You either get it or you don’t.
Best wordless burn: All these ladies These are the women’s faces when Juan Pablo first walked out. Special distinction goes to the chick in the top left corner. She looks like Flounder from The Little Mermaid, if Flounder was totally over it.
Most unexpected burn: Cassandra I expected Cassandra to do little more than blink guilelessly from behind a tree during this special. But she got her two cents in, yes she did! “Honestly, if you were caring about Ben’s feelings, you wouldn’t have done the hometown, and met Ben, just to send Renee home. I feel like if Renee wasn’t for you, you should have never met her son.” Man, it’s so hard to find loyal “special ones” in this day and age. Speaking of which…
Best unintentional burn: Juan Pablo I really do get that, whatever his flaws, JP means well when he refers to Renee and Cassandra as “his special ones.” But hearing that term repeated so many times over a short period really makes it start to sound odd. Like either they’re his chief disciples in a cult he founded, or they’re balanced, low-calorie frozen meals.
Best action burn: Andi Andi FAKED SLEEP on the overnight date to make Juan Pablo stop talking. But I have no doubt her dreams were haunted by sheep in neon tank tops murmuring, “Ees OK.”
Best ESL burn: Victoria Victoria is d-o-n-e with Juan Pablo crouching sheepishly behind the language barrier: “As somebody who has only lived in this country for ten years, and up until the age of 15 didn’t speak any English whatsoever, please stop using English as a second language as a cop-out.”
Best bloopers burn: Juan Pablo Turns out Juan Pablo often referred to Camila as “his little package” in confessionals, i.e. “Whatever woman wins is getting me and my little package.” You cold, humorless editors! This season would be 60 percent more enjoyable if Juan Pablo earnestly referred to his little package at least once an episode. Why must you stand in the way of drinking-game innovation?
Best under-the-radar burn: Chris Harrison I hope you caught it when, as the women chattered about which finalist will ultimately run off with Juan Pablo’s heart, someone called Clare and Nikki completely different people and Harrison mumbled, “Are they that different, though?”